Election Night in Georgia

In Which Our Hero(ine) Watches TV.

Oh.My.Gawd!

First, The Tube. Oh.My.Gawd! Not finding the election results I wanted online last night, I ventured down about 11:15 to watch returns on the telly. Those of you who know me will be glad to learn that I have now completely mastered the the remote control, cable box and entire setup. I have been fancying myself a TV watcher this past year, gaining experience through Mad Men, Modern Family, Treme and a rewatching of The Wire.

So I’ve mastered the beast. And was even ready to argue that TV must be getting better.

But watching Mad Men had not prepared me for the World of Idiocracy that Teh Box has become. Did I say Oh.My.Gawd? I think the commercials are more tasteful than the programming! In defense, like raising both arms in front of my face in a car crash, I turned down the sound and watched the scrolling return numbers. Which are so wildly and badly designed it takes forever just to sort out what’s what.

In under an hour — about 20 minutes of that with the sound actually turned on — I was subjected to …

…  Some wildly flashing promos for – or maybe it was the show itself –TMZ. What is TMZ? I certainly know that no one prone to migraines or seizures should watch it.

… A commercial for Oprah in which she wears a cowboy hat and much drama and fawning applause ensues. I have good friends who like Oprah. Which always makes me think the show must not be as bad as my limited experience with it has shown. But … Oh.My.Gawd!

… Monica Pearson (she’s kind of our local Oprah) shrilly shouting to Richard Belcher to run back and get Karen Handel and ask if we will be graced with a celebrity visit from Sarah Palin. “Richard! Go ask her if Sarah Palin will come to Georgia to campaign!” Thank heavens John Pruitt is still with Monica after all these years and calmly intoned, “I think if we see Palin come here to campaign, it will be for the general election, not the runoff.”

… At least four versions of a story about a carjacking with a baby in the backseat. Jacker runs into hotwing store, leaves baby on counter, flees.  The talking heads kept using their voices to convict the mother (“The mother LEFT the baby in the car while she dropped an older sister off at daycare.”) but never managed to make the truly important connection … with Raising Arizona.

There was more. It was awful — loud screaming laughter, bright colors, flashing lights. I wiped a lot of it out of my mind overnight like a nightmare. All praise The Internets, which allow me to get the information I need without sitting in front of the Idiot Box.