Weiner Deflates Under Ridicule

Member to resign:

Weiner goes soft under pressure

After standing tall and firm for over 2 weeks against withering scrutiny and ridicule, Weiner softened in his resolve and today announced that he is withdrawing.  Impotent to control the narrative, and naked and defenseless against continuing revelations, Weiner’s desire to deliver for his constituents went flaccid.  Looking diminished and unable to stand erect and addressing the gathering throbbing in anticipation, Weiner offered a turgid, wooden statement but shrank from answering questions, even in the face of ejaculations from the audience.  Weiner had strained against the confining position in which he’d found himself recently; this announcement will allow him full release.

There’s little doubt that Weiner will be missed around the House.  Well known for his ability to stand up to opposition and pound his points home relentlessly, Weiner drove a hard bargain and was stiff in support of his principles.  His cockiness often created friction, decried by his detractors but a source of pleasure for his supporters. 

There is little doubt that Weiner is sore from the rough treatment he has received of late from both factions, feeling himself rudely used by his own party and unfairly poked and prodded by both parties and the media; though in fairness, it must be pointed out that Weiner blew it through his own actions.  Trying to get the problem in hand eluded him from the beginning as he was unable to stroke outrage into submission.  As opinion swelled against him, his resolve to stand firm deflated, leading to the inevitable climax.  Today’s announcement reflects a premature end to Weiner’s promising start – once assumed to have a happy ending – and hopefully, the end of juvenile weiner wiener jokes for some time to come.

Update:  extensive edits due to stunning failure to take advantage of some quite obvious opportunities in initial draft.