In Case of Bachmannalia, Break Glass

Great American, John Wayne Gacy

The clown show that is the Republican race for the nomination continues apace, with many delightful revelations, gaffes, and missteps.  Just a couple of days ago, Michelle Bachmann was in Waterloo, Iowa, talking about how one of her favorite Americans, John Wayne, hailed from the small burg.

 The only problem is, the John Wayne who grew up once lived in Waterloo was John Wayne Gacy, serial murderer and crawlspace-burier of several dozen young men – not the manly he-man actor.  Bonus points:  Gacy liked dressing up as a clown, and did a lot of clown portraits as a prison artist, which ties in nicely with the clown-car vibe that pervades the race.

Throw in Sarah Palin, and you'd have Snowbilly and the Seven Dwarves

Other candidates, other gaffes: man-of-the-people Newt Gingrich was revealed to have a half-million dollar credit line at Tiffany’s, which makes you wonder if he’s working on the replacement for wife #3. Other WIN in the Gingrich campaign: a couple of weeks ago, virtually his entire campaign staff quit, stating that Gingrich’s crafted-by-Madame Tussaud wife, Callista, was stepping all over campaign scheduling by foregoing same in favor of the couple’s grifting events. I guess you have to keep the cash flowing if you want to pay off your credit line at Tiffany’s.

Then there’s Romney, who was presented an origami-folded dollar bill by a young boy as a luck token at a campaign event. Wanting to prevent the visual of a multi-millionaire taking money from a child, Romney went into his wallet to trade another dollar bill to the boy, only to find he had nothing smaller than $100 bills – thereby generating the visual that he’s just like you and me, except he walks around with stacks of hundreds and wears magic underpants. Ironically, Romney’s grotesque wealth and Mormonism aren’t the biggest hurdles he faces; he’s still begging the Republican base to forgive his most successful policy achievement as governor of Massachusetts – universal health care.

Things aren’t much better for the rest of the field. Cain presents as insanely out-of-his-depth (as well as possibly insane); do we really want a man who can’t even make a decent pizza running the show? Ron Paul also comes off loony toons, Pawlenty has already been dismissed as both too wimpy and too white-bread, and newly-announced candidate Jon Huntsman is both dull and wears the magic underwear like Romney. Rounding out the field is Rick Santorum, whose surname has become synonymous with a by-product of anal sex. No candidate is ever going to overcome something like that.

Well, that's ONE possible explanation...

Buzz over the past few weeks is that Bachmann will be the likely winner.  That sounds nuts, because she’s a crazy lady but…really, what is there to choose from in this field?  Republicans can’t risk losing the teabaggers, and Bachmann is their hands-down favorite.

Understandably, the party leadership is shitting its collective pants over this, and has floated the names of various saviors, hoping and praying that someone, anyone, will swoop in and save them from the incipient disaster. 

 Among the straws they’ve grasped at:  Mitch Daniels, current governor of Indiana and former Bush budget director, which uniquely qualifies him to deal with an out-of-control deficit that was largely his design.  Daniels put the kibosh to those hopes weeks ago.  Flavor-the-week Texas governor Rick Perry’s name was floated out there about a week ago, with the usual booshwah about how he has “executive experience” running “one of the largest states in the country.”  Problem is, too many voters have yet to forget the unmitigated disaster that was the last Texas governor elected to the White House.  Also, Perry’s charisma is often put in the shade by that of his hair, Beauregard.  It’s impossible to imagine Perry choosing anyone other than his hair as his running mate, such is the awesome power of The Dry Look.  Stunts such as calling for a day of prayer to deal with his state’s extreme drought do not exactly confidence inspire, either.

More and more, the hopes of the party are coming to rest on their Great White Whale Hope, governor Chris Christie of New Jersey.  Not only have the media adopted the porcine governor as their newest GOP crush, but he also brings to the table that unique combination of girth, hypocrisy, and sociopathy the party has, up until now, only been able to find in combination in the person of Rush Limbaugh.  He’s ultimate Base Man, satisfying the average GOP voter’s desire for arrogant dismissiveness of the electorate and contempt for poor and working people.

Thus far Christie has resisted the siren song urging him to join the race for the nomination.  But with the party facing such grim prospects, he might be convinced to change his mind. 

In the event Christie enters the race, I’ve put together a few campaign posters, just to help him get up to speed and overcome his late entry.  As you know, I’m always happy to help our Republican friends out with creative ideas, and I hope that at least one of these images will be of use to the Christie campaign in creating an iconic theme:

To be honest, I’m not sure which is my favorite.  While the one on the right does a better job of illustrating Christie’s width, I’m really enamored of the Dr. Evil vibe I’m getting from the tux he’s wearing in the one on the left.  Somehow it seems to better symbolize the gluttony that lies at the heart of today’s Republican party.  Let me know which one YOU like best, and feel free to borrow as needed, though a credit is always appreciated.