Posts Tagged ‘pottymouth’

Possibly The Most Awesome Thing EVAR

January 11, 2012 5 comments

One of these arrived in the mail last week.  Pay special attention at around 0:14 of the clip:

Eartha Kitty, of course, is a wuss, so her reaction was to cower under the bed while I was flying it.  Then I had to find a place to hide it, because she doesn’t forget the toys that have frightened her when they’re running. If she finds one sitting around after it’s turned off, she abuses it. 

I’m not sure yet who I will eventually end up gifting with this treasure.

You can get your own Flying Fuck at ThinkGeek.

What is *wrong with you people out there?

November 30, 2011 2 comments

This week’s search terms include…

monkey throwing poop

shadoobee poop

not furry sick bastard


nice pennis

(several other porn search terms, both with and without clothes, often involving toes, that are too vulgar to repeat even on  this site)

(except for this one. I have to repeat this one) bill maher huge penis

rick perry looks like a used car salesman

thomas kinkade not worth it

… and my personal favorite … bacteria bridge club.

If the curse fits…

November 20, 2011 2 comments

It’s a goofy news report, but I feel sure that this will get an evil chuckle out of Jaffner. Who must need one since we haven’t heard from her for a while.


September 12, 2011 12 comments

I got a phone call earlier this evening, from…wait for it…COMCAST.

The purpose of said phone call was so that the Comcast employee could helpfully inform me that, with a payment of only $23 and some odd, I could “avoid interruption of service.”

That would be the service that I informed not one, but TWO of their employees by phone on August 9th that I no longer wanted.  It would be the same service I cancelled, again, IN WRITING, on August 20th.  The conversation went something like this:

Comcast Dude:  “If you’ll pay $23 and some odd right now, you can avoid interruption of service.”

Me:  “Interrupt the fucking service all you like; I cancelled it over a month ago.”

Comcast Dude:  “There’s nothing on the account about that.”

Me:  “Well, THERE’S a bigfuckingsurprise.  I only told two of your employees on the phone and wrote a letter a week and a half later.”

Comcast Dude:  “Well, did they do such and such to disconnect?”

Me:  “I have no fucking idea, but you know, that’s really not my problem.  I sent in my final payment with the letter.  If Comcast is only just now getting around to “interrupting the service,” then they were providing a service that wasn’t being used and that they were told wasn’t being used…I’m not paying another penny.”

Comcast Dude:  “I’m going to give you a number to call for customer ser…”

Me:  “Forget it.  I’m not wasting another minute of my time to cancel a service I’ve already cancelled THREE FUCKING TIMES.  It’s not MY fault that Comcast hires incompetent employees who ignore what customers tell them, or that the company ignores cancellations in the hope that they can continue to charge people for services they don’t want.  I’m certainly not going to pay for incomptence or dishonesty on the part of Comcast or its employees.  Goodbye.”

Here ends my tale.

I would feel a little bit bad about being so rude to someone on the phone if not for the fact that…he works for Comcast, so I know that, had I asked him to make sure the service was cancelled, I would get more calls demanding payment.

Bonus surrealism points for that veiled threat…”interruption of service.”  Yeah, motherfucker, that shit’s got me shaking in my boots!  As if “interruption of service” isn’t the reason you dumbasses lost the fucking account in the first place.


As I noted in my last Comcast-themed post…next stop, city franchise authority!  I’ve no doubt that’s where this will ultimately end; these dumbfucks don’t know when to stop, so next it will be a referral to a collection agency and it will end only when I go down to the city and raise holy hell, taking with me the notice of cancellation I gave them in writing along with the delivery confirmation slip that proves they got it.

Worst.  Company.  In.  America.

Extra bonus points:  cue “Comcast Mark” in comments in 5…4…3…2…

Happy flipping birthday

July 18, 2011 2 comments

I will double your pleasure.

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The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree

March 26, 2011 6 comments

My 11-year-old nephew came to visit for several days during spring break and was a great help in several ways – he not only volunteered and mowed the back yard and raked the front yard (very helpful in light of my lingering case of mono), he also set up a new wireless network for me.  I’d been using a wired router until now, because that’s what Vonage required when I first set it up years ago, and being someone who likes to leave technology things alone as long as they’re working, I had never gotten around to switching over to wireless when the routers became compatible.

I sometimes jokingly refer to Trevor as a one-man personal Geek Squad, because there’s not a piece of electrical, computer, video or audio hardware that he can’t figure out how to set up and operate in 5 minutes or less.  Pretty much the same goes for software.  Having him around means I don’t have to learn new technology or that when I do want to, I have someone who can show me how to work it in just a few minutes.  Trevor’s destined to become an electrical or computer engineer or computer graphics whiz and probably all of those and more.

So while he was here, I mentioned to him the xtranormal video site and how I had seen funny things made with it, but had been too lazy to learn how to operate it myself.  He took the laptop into the living room and, thanks in part to the wireless network he’d just set up, not only learned how to operate xtranormal but created the following in under an hour:

I would like to note for the record that I exercised zero editorial input or script control.  This was entirely written and created by Trevor in his own devious little mind.  I never saw it until the final product was done.

I’m sure Beth will be appalled by the language so I’ll just remind her:  “Cesspool Hattie,” and worse, were the products of our devious little 9-year old minds.  We were the kids who everyone wanted offa their damn lawns…and we didn’t turn out all that bad.  Though I certainly understand why she doesn’t want to encourage her own kids to emulate us – or my nephew.

Mo’ Music

February 25, 2011 5 comments

From what I consider to be a vastly underrated band.

Chumbawamba had the misfortune of having one of its worst songs become its “breakout hit” in the US.  As a result, most folks here have never heard anything by the band other than that one annoying 2-dimensional tune, which is a shame, since most of their music is multi-layered and delivers a biting political and/or social commentary.  What I’ve always loved about the band is how upbeat and happy their music is even as it’s delivering an often harsh message – and quite often with very naughty words, which thrills my inner juvenile delinquent.  A band with a peppy sound that’s also aggressively anarchist and atheist?  With profane and hilarious lyrics?  Count me in!

These videos are boring, but I only put them up for the audio, so listen with an open mind.  There’s quite a story behind this first one:

That’s a cut from the 1992 album Jesus H. Christ.  Only around 7,000 copies of this recording ever made it into circulation, thanks to a suit brought by Sir Paul McCartney.  Jesus H. Christ was an ambitious sampling project for Chumbawamba – they borrowed not only audio samples but lines from other songs, melodic lines, etc.  Unfortunately, one of the samples they borrowed (to brilliant effect) was the opening sequence from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.  McCartney sued & won, and the band was enjoined from releasing any more copies.

This album haunted me for years because I didn’t know what it was.  All I had was a copy of a tape someone brought into the used record store where I was working while in grad school; the only information on the tape was the name of the band, and the guy had given us the back story on the lawsuit.  I played that tape over and over again for the next 10 or 12 years until it was wearing out, then began searching in earnest to find out what it was.  Fortunately, by this time, the internet was around, but still, it took a couple of years of searching until someone finally posted information about the album and I found out what it was called.  Then there was another year or so of scouring the internets looking for a copy for sale.  Finally one turned up in 2006 and as soon as it arrived I put together my setup for recording my vinyl to digital files.  Now it seems that parts of Jesus H. Christ have made it to YouTube.

This next is from their 2004 release, Un.  Again, not much as a video, but what a fabulous, peppy song for probing the depths of the darkest, looniest conspiracy theories:

Accordion music with a funky beat you can dance to and darkly humorous lyrics?  Again, what’s not to love?

If you’ve never been properly introduced to Chumbawamba, now you know what you’ve been missing.

Update:  As commenter Pete Shanks notes, the entirety of Jesus H. Christ is now on YouTube, divided into segments 1-4.  The recording quality on some of it isn’t quite as good as it could be, but at least it’s available for your listening pleasure.  These have only been posted for a couple of months, so thanks for the sleuthing, Pete!

You won’t get the full effect thanks to the divisions; on the album itself all the songs meld one to another in a seamless bridge of sound, ala Pink Floyd/Alan Parsons Project.  And yeah, a lot of folks will listen to a bit and say “meh,” because this is, after all, an obsession I developed way back in 1993 and the recording is in some ways very much of that era, and of course, the music any of us likes is such an individual preference.  But if it grabs you the way it grabbed me all those years ago and you’d like your very own copy of it, drop a note in comments.

You can listen to part 1 here; each part has a link on the page to the next part.

I’ll Take “Things Glenn Beck Won’t Be Diagramming on His Blackboard” for $500, Alex

February 23, 2011 6 comments

The Beast called Wisconsin governor Scott Walker and pretended to be billionaire Walker-funder David Koch.  Walker gives his all to please his corporate master:

But wait…there’s more:

…because a mere 10 minutes of evidence of prostitution might not be enough to get the point across.

Just goes to show why maybe all those “liberal elitists” who insist on voting only for candidates who demonstrate competency might be on to something.  When you think it’s important to have smart people representing you, it’s far less likely that they’ll embarrass themselves – and you – by getting PWN3D in a prank phone call.

I realize the bar is set pretty low, but at this moment in time, a mere 6 or 7 weeks into his term, Scott Walker is in the lead for the title of America’s Dumbest Governor.

And context for those of you who haven’t been following this as closely:  the Koch brothers were the second-biggest funders of Walker’s campaign.  More importantly, in the hubbub over Walker’s attack on public employee unions, there’s been a little part of that bill that’s received scant attention.  It’s a provision that allows the state to sell off publicly owned energy plants etc., without competitive bidding, or the review of the state’s public service commission or any other entity.  If the statehouse Republicans decide it’s a good idea to sell off the state’s public property at fire-sale prices to reward cronies who make billions in the energy sector, people like, oh, I don’t know, the Koch brothers, there would be nothing to stand in their way.

If the things that really matter got the attention they deserved in our media, this would be one of the biggest stories of the past several years.  No, not “dumb Republican politician steps on his own dick,” because that, of course, happens with embarrassing regularity.  No, this is more like “dumb Republican politician gives up the goods on the real conservative agenda, on tape.”

I’m wondering how Walker will remain in office after this.  I mean, he basically admitted that busting unions was his stealth agenda all along, so he cut the legs out from under the “will of the voters” argument right up front…but overall, the most damaging thing, more damaging than any of the individual statements, is the back-slapping collegiality of the conversation between Walker and what he believes to be one of his billionaire patrons.  “Bowing and scraping” doesn’t begin to cover it.  A fucking 20-minute conversation?  Are you kidding me?  If it were possible to suck dick over long-distance calls, the only thing we would have heard from the governor was a series of slurps, which would have more concisely conveyed the same meaning – though the call would undoubtedly have been much, much shorter.

Update: I didn’t link The Beast earlier because the site was down – and still is (cue ominous music) but there’s the link for whenever they get it back up and running.

Updated update:  And yes, the Wisconsin governor’s office confirms it’s for reals, and that their guy is indeed America’s Dumbest Governor™.

My New Refrigerator is in My Mouth

October 18, 2010 4 comments

Figuratively speaking, of course. 

I mean that the money that would have gone for the purchase of a new fridge instead went to pay for a root canal.  Which of course sucks, but it could have been much worse.

For one thing, I had no pain – at least not in the past 2 years.  I’m guessing that’s when the tooth died.  The dentist overbuilt the crown that was put on it two years ago, which caused too much pressure on the tooth, which killed the nerve – though at the time it was misdiagnosed as merely being “inflamed” and was, at the time, very painful for a few days.  But then the pain stopped and so it was assumed that the problem was resolved.  Lots of weirdness in the interim, though – for example, for the past two years, I’ve been able to feel that nerve by pressing on my face.  It didn’t hurt, but…that ain’t normal.  Also, I’ve had a recurrent sensation of having a sinus polyp or some kind of blockage in the sinuses on that side of my face, which probably was the result of an abcess.

I only detected what was going on Wednesday evening.   I was resting my face on my hand and discovered a hard knot in my cheek – definitely abnormal.  I ran my finger along the top gumline and discovered a huge abcess on the order of 1/2″ – 1″ long but still completely painless.  So off to the dentist I went on Thursday.  He of course immediately put me on antibiotics and set up the procedure for this morning.  And a good thing, too – I was so sick Thursday evening and Friday that I must have gotten in just before the infection really exploded.  I had been feeling a little punky for a week or so, really tired in the evening and a bit achy and feverish, like I was coming down with a cold or something, but nothing ever materialized.  It’s actually a good thing that I managed to detect the thing, since it wasn’t causing any pain – otherwise, I would have been really sick by Friday with no clue as to what the problem was.  Even with having started the antibiotics, I slept 14 hours solid on Friday night and was still tired when I finally got up the next day.

In any case, the root canal got done today, and it wasn’t bad at all – you don’t have pain when the tooth is dead; at most there’s the discomfort of sitting in the chair with your mouth cranked open wide for an hour or so, but even that wasn’t all that bad.  Of course, as luck would have it, I have extremely long roots on my teeth, according to the dentist.  He said he’d never seen an abcess that size on anyone who wasn’t having pain.  They gave me a prescription for pain medication but I haven’t filled it and won’t need to – I’m not having any pain and only very minimal swelling, so this thing should be a closed chapter when I finish up the antibiotics.   I am still really tired though; as soon as I wrap this up, I’m about to head back to the couch for another nap. 

So yeah, it sucks that the new fridge is going to have to be put off for quite a few more months, but at least the old one is still working fine – it’s just ugly and the icemaker hasn’t worked for several years now.  But considering that 100 years ago I might well have died from this thing, it’s definitely an outcome I can live with.

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