Comments out of context. Oh, indeed.

Comment, With Context

Roger Ailes

Could Newt Be The Next F.D.R. Let’s expose him to the polio virus and find out.

Sometimes a comment is so good, it deserves its own post. 

I’d like to hold this comment’s hands while staring dreamily into its eyes as we loiter over a bottle of good cabernet in a picturesque French bistro.  I’d like to bear this comment’s children.  And etc….

That’s from the good Roger Ailes (the one who blogs and frequently comments over at roy’s joint – not the one who runs Fox News), in comments at Charlie Pierce’s Esquire blog.  The topic was this tweet by courtier journalist Jon Meacham:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unpleasant earworm of the week

Thomas Kinkade: Painter of Shite

I don’t know why I do these things to myself, but ever since I typed the name “Thomas Kinkade” in yesterday’s post, I’ve been kind of outraged.  You know, by the things that pass as cultural touchstones here in Idiocracy – schlocky paintings of hobbit houses and maudlin songs about buying mama new shoes so she’ll look pretty when she meets Jesus.  Or maybe the outrage just overfloweth; I’ve had a shorthand term for this for over 2 decades:  the LCD, or lowest common denominator.  The LCD Principle dictates that anything that starts out kind of hip and cool – TV shows, fashion and decorating trends, etc. – will in short order be rendered into lame pablum for the masses.  That’s because in our society we define success by the baseline of money, and the only way to attract more money is by appealing to more people – which means watering down your concept or product for broader appeal – and, inevitably, turning it into a commercialized, banal piece of shit.

So anyhows, I got this outrage, and I gotta have somewhere to put it; where better than Thomas Kinkade?  It’s not worth wasting too many words, plus there are some great links to people who have said it much funnier than I can, so let’s just enumerate the offenses:

First and foremost, his “art”:

All that's missing is a hairy-footed hobbit racing out the door to escape the "accident" that occured while building the briefcase nuke. See, things have been a bit unsettled in Middle Earth and...aw, fuck it.

This is what a house looks like a split-second before the natural gas explosion blows it apart.

Probably what makes Kinkade “America’s most collected living artist” is the phenom of buying art to match the sofa.  What this means is there are some ugly-ass living rooms out there – a lot of them.

Offense the second:  he’s trademarked the phrase “Painter of Light” and describes himself as above:  “America’s most collected living artist.”

Above and beyond:  that second image was made into an inspirational, straight-to-DVD movie about how Thomas became such a successful “artist.”  I’m pretty sure Lifetime was involved:

Sweet lord, how did Peter O’Toole get roped into this pile of crap?  But I love the snide joke in having Chris Elliott play the guy who hires him to paint the mural  – with the dog on the bike.  To inspire the townspeople.

Further offenses:  he painted this, and actually describes it as follows on his website (note that the link goes directly to the “buy Thomas Kinkade shit” page):

Ruh-roh

 

“As part of the redesign of the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte, North Carolina, I was asked to provide an image for use on a large wall. A very large wall – truly a moment of destiny for any artist.”

“To create the oil painting that would be the basis for the final mural, I utilized one of the largest canvases I have ever attempted in my studio. A full 6 feet wide, this canvas would be enlarged to create the final epic sized mural. As I worked it was as if heavenly light began to pour upon the canvas.” 

“A final aspect of the creative process came when Franklin Graham himself suggested a fitting title for the work: The Cross. This simple title reflects the lifelong calling and legacy of his father, the evangelist Billy Graham.” 

“My prayer is that this painting will bring hope to many just as Billy Graham has brought hope to millions through the gospel message.”

I saved the best for last, though…check out this post from Salon, posted in June, with this titillating sub-header: 

His pastel dream world has become a lurid place of failed sobriety tests, bankruptcy and Winnie the Pooh abuse

Pooh abuse, you say?

And then there was the time he supposedly relieved himself on a Winnie the Pooh statue in a Disney hotel in Anaheim, Calif., while saying, “This one’s for you, Walt.” (Imagine Ashdown Forest at daybreak, and Winnie is drenched from a spontaneous shower; Tigger, Eeyore flee in terror. Title: “Golden Moments.”) When asked about this last story, Kinkade conceded in testimony that “there may have been some ritual territory marking going on, but I don’t recall it.”

Which brings us to one point of redemption:  the above story inspired one of my favorite ever comments out of context:

N__B said,

June 15, 2010 at 3:59

To be fair, who hasn’t urinated on Winnie the Pooh. I mean, the bear’s obviously into water sports.

Sadly, No!, 6/15/10

Also.  Too.  This guy really hates Thomas Kinkade in a lot funnier way than I do.  And as noted in comments, “Bob Ross could kick this dude’s ass…”

It just doesn’t get any better than that, my friends.

Update:  From StringonaStick’s most excellent tip, you can see the Something Awful crowd’s take on Kinkade at the linkee.  Here’s a sample:

   

 

 

 

 

 

Better yet, commenter B^4’s find:

Cthulu-meets-Kinkade mashup.

   

Caption contest

Consumed with unblogging things. So cut loose with some backstory here.

Comments Out of Context

A day behind on these because, if I haven’t mentioned it before, Comcast SUCKS DONKEY and my internet access has ranged between “I’ll think about it” and “HELL, no” since last THURSDAY.  The one bright spot:  they thought they were going to get to slap me with a service call charge for the mook they sent out 3 weeks ago who insisted that it was my MODEM that was the problem; I bought a new one and as it happens, the modem wasn’t the problem so much as the squirrel who chewed the insulation off the cable running to the house.  (They are capable of annoying more than monkeys, it seems.) 

What you have to love about the cable company – and by “love”, I mean “hate with the burning intensity of a thousand suns” – is their go-to line every time you have a problem – you know, the one about how you have to sit home all day and wait on them to decide to show up because the problem “MIGHT BE inside the house.”  Give me a fucking break.  The problem is NEVER inside the house; this is just a ruse to discourage you from ever making them come out to fix anything by making it impossibly inconvenient.  Well, I’ve got them by the short hairs THIS time…there’s a bill for that first service call that won’t be getting paid.  A victory hard-won with the waste of two days of my time…and about a week without internet access.

Did I mention that I hate them with the burning intensity of a thousand suns?

Anyway, here’s the choice pickings from this past week:

JDM3 August 1st, 2010 at 7:21 pm

Don’t you think that at this point Mcginniss already has his own black out curtains up and may well be rethinking the “advantage” that lies in living next to the meth tweaking branch of the Yukon Snopses? Smell must be awful and I bet they’re noisy, too. Also daunting to look at in their home place.

TBogg, 8/1/10

N__B said,

August 2, 2010 at 16:06

In fairness to gun owners, that bear had a glass jaw and lowered his left to throw his right cross.

We all have our bears to cross.

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

People Laugh At The Goddamn Batman’s Shark Repellant Bat Spray*, But Damnit, That Shit Fucking Works, Man! said,

August 2, 2010 at 17:02

Yeah, pepper spray doesn’t require special permits or training, is immensely likely to work better in moments of pants-shitting terror where pinpoint accuracy is not always feasible, and doesn’t permanently injure the bear while providing some adverse conditioning regarding the hairless apes and their pic-a-nic baskets. But Jeff Gannon Jr. wants you to “indulge” him in his fantasy about going Dirty Harry on Smokey.

*Trufax.

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

actor212 said,

August 2, 2010 at 17:10

If the bear follows you up the tree, it’s a black bear. If it knocks down the tree, it’s a grizzly.

And if it goes looking for another cub to indulge, you’re probably on the Castro.

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

Federalist LXXXVI said,

August 2, 2010 at 23:10

TO the people of the internet,

These Times being Strange and sore wond’rous and the current fashions in the area of the coiffure of respectable gentlemen being so woefully difficult to judge as the distance to any star, it does Seem to Seem that the adoption of the masque of Anonymity in order to criticize the chosen hairstyle of An Other be an act of such beastly cowardice as to make even a Tory blush.

And yet upon my word as a gentleman and scholar, three score fortnights ago as I tippled back glasses of malt with a certain bastard peddler’s brat that aforementioned brat (who was observed to prefer wine to malt like a girly man) had plastered his hair back with some sort of Cream or Ointment such that it did cleave unto his scalp like certain Gentlemen of Boston are observed to cleave unto the antediluvian and intolerable reign of an old, mad, blind, dying and despised King, it must be admitted that even yo homey Publius must upon Occasion take up the pen and say unto even his colleagues “Dude, you got some fucked up hair.”

When that aforementioned gentlemen with the gayass haircut hath arrogated unto himself the advantage of penning, what, the last 20 of these motherfucking Federalist Papers then truly it doth grate even more Greatly upon my nerves because what, I want to be remembered as some kind of chump while Hamilton goes down as the great boy genius and gets his face on paper money? Fuck that noise. Get a haircut, Hamilton, you pompous little limpdicked bitch.

Y’r obd’nt s’vn’t,

Publius

PS As my head doth throb in the harsh light of late afternoon Publius would also remind you, gentle readers, when tippling back the glasses at thy pub, remember, “Vine or grain but ne’er the twain.”

Sadly, No!, 8/2/10

zuzu

The Seven Republican Dwarves: Greedy, Twitchy, Stabby, Ragey, Shouty, Whitey and Beck.

alicublog, 8/3/10

JT Orlando said,

August 5, 2010 at 22:16

My opposite marriage is now in tatters

Shadoobee.

Sadly, No!, 8/5/10

N__B said,

August 5, 2010 at 23:04

Release the Kagan!

Sadly, No!, 8/5/10

Fats Durston
Fucking scythe-using goat-dowrists make me sick.  True marriage is between sickle-users who exchange cows for daughters.

alicublog, 8/5/10

Jay B.

I’ve observed first hand that cow-for-daughter marriages from your village always pose a problem — which one is which? As for your choice of threshers, I can only pity you. And hate you with the force of a thousand suns.

alicublog, 8/5/10

Fats Durston 
Go ahead and crow about being from the clan Kaus.  The cruel laughter you hear reflects our opinion of the height of your haycocks, heretic.

alicublog, 8/5/10

actor212 said,

August 6, 2010 at 15:54

Speaking of national security issues, you think Louis and Marie Antoinette woke up to that fact right about the time they were kneeling for the blade?

Le Rue du Mur Zhournal would undoubtedly have run an article “Gâteau Conduit à la Perte de Poids à la Décapitation”

(Cake Leads to Weight Loss Due To Decapitation)

Sadly, No!, 8/6/10

CrustyDem August 9th, 2010 at 12:31 am

Wow. I generally assumed Douthat was hired because somebody thought he was a good writer, or a smart guy, but this (after a fairly succinct description of how our view of heterosexual “traditional marriage” is anything but):

Rather, it’s that lifelong heterosexual monogamy at its best can offer something distinctive and remarkable — a microcosm of civilization, and an organic connection between human generations — that makes it worthy of distinctive recognition and support.

has got to be the shiftiest load of crap I’ve ever read. It’s the most reason-free turd of an argument I’ve ever read. “Gay marriage is just fine, but straight marriage can be better, because it feels that way to me.” Personally, I would rewrite that paragraph as:

Gay marriage can be a beautiful flower, verdant and colorful, rich and lush. This flower can fill your heart with joy and make a stern man sing with happiness. But straight marriage can be like a rainbow, with all the colors mixed together into one magnificent entity. And that rainbow kicks the shit out of your gay little flower anyday. Suck it, fags!

TBogg, 8/9/10

Thanks as always to this week’s contestants! 

Comments Out of Context

Finally, back on schedule with these, despite a quite hectic week.  I attribute the timely posting to the high volume of top-notch snark posted in a variety of places this past week.  For your reading (and WTF?) pleasure:

N__B said,

July 26, 2010 at 16:49

Beatings don’t kill people. Massive internal hemorrhages kill people.

Sadly, No!, July 26, 2010

herr doktor bimler

I HAVE HERE IN MY HAND 
 
See, Dick jokes even without demand!

alicublog, 7/26/10

77south said,

July 26, 2010 at 21:30

The university chancellor actually sends out mass e-mails to the whole campus in Comic Sans.

Clown College?

The faculty and staff of the Yoknapatawpha County Community Clown College is not laughing.

My alma mater is so maligned.

Sadly, No!, 7/26/10

Smut Clyde said,

July 27, 2010 at 7:11

…If the only tool you have is a rodent-shaped novelty vibrator then everything looks like a ratfuck.

Sadly, No!, 7/27/10

tsam said,

July 27, 2010 at 17:20

Oh. I thought the answer was “We don’t give a fuck because Jesus will come back before everything runs out anyway.”

He’s gonna be pissed that we fucked up his rental property.

Sadly, No!, 7/27/10

gorillagogo

Kurtz has described “conversion from liberal to conservative politics” as “the ultimate aphrodisiac“ 
 
I’m of the opinion that no matter how obscure your fetish is, there’s a porn site out there specializing in it. It appears Kurtz found the exception to that rule.

alicublog, 7/27/10

cobbler

Cause if it ain’t his fantasy it’s perversion.

alicublog, 7/27/10

Doghouse Riley

Their infatuation with hip hop is a sign of Europe’s broader failure to assimilate Muslim immigrants to mature democratic mores, again because of a multiculturalist sensibility 
 
Yeah, it really is time we put an end to European multiculturalism.  
 
By the way, what does he suppose Muslim immigrant youth would be doing otherwise? Yodeling? 

alicublog, 7/27/10

Willy said,

July 28, 2010 at 1:30

Some ladies prefer their men serif, while others prefer sans serif.

No one speaks of the serif holocaust.

Sadly, No!, 7/27/10

Mark D said,

July 29, 2010 at 23:07

If the market wants patients to have Bibles, the Invisible Hand will supply them.

The Invisible Hand is too busy giving out what everyone thinks are prostate exams, followed by a slap to the face …

… and it doesn’t even take the latex glove off first.

Sadly, No!, 7/29/10

Whale Chowder said,

July 30, 2010 at 1:35

The humorless dildos leave no room for scripture.

When you think about it, there is probably no more humorless dildo than one made out of scripture.

Sadly, No!, 7/29/10

Angry Geometer said,

July 30, 2010 at 16:11

Oh Big dicked guys, we’re sorry. We’ve committed the sin of envy, the sin of covetousness, and the sin of staring. We have believed the lie and claimed size doesn’t matter.

Sorry, I’m still taking my talents to South Beach. Buttsecks is a team sport, and I need to be surrounded by teammates that can play at my level if I ever wanna win a National Buttsecks Association cockring. Guys who won’t be afraid to play around the rim. Guys who can take it to the hole. Guys not nicknamed “Boobie”, basically.

And have you seen Florida? The whole state looks like a giant penis. It’s very comforting for a man of my, how shall we say, giant penis havingness.

Sadly, No!, 7/30/10

DocAmazing

Any time you your feelings are determined by a sperm donor failing to meet your expectations, you are most definitely doing something wrong. 

A fair portion of my professional life has been a sequence of jack-offs not making me happy, so I guess I can sympathize.

alicublog, 7/30/10

calling all toasters Says:

July 31, 2010 at 6:07 am

Nobody’s going to watch a movie about a dead teenage narcissist who doesn’t bite hot chicks on the neck. You should probably add some ten-penny fangs to your masterpiece.
Maybe a moustache too.

The Poor Man Institute, 7/31/10

Smut Clyde said,

August 2, 2010 at 0:19

Liberals love to go down the subjunctive mood route

It’s a bit longer but it doesn’t actually take any more time, and the scenery is better.

Sadly, No!, 8/1/10

A hearty thanks to all of this week’s contestants.  Keep them coming!

Comments Out of Context

Our roundup of some of last week’s highlights:

Sirius Lunacy said,

July 20, 2010 at 21:46

and there’s Mona Charen, still picking her nose…

Picking a nose is not something that should be rushed. Once you pick your nose, it’s your nose for life.

Sadly, No!, 7/20/10

actor212 said,

July 20, 2010 at 22:11

Kids today pppft, don’t even know what a RickRoll is, and get the fuck off my lawn also.

In my day, we had to walk seven miles uphill in both directions thru five feet of snow under a blazing hot summer sun to get Rickrolled. Kids these days have it easy!

Sadly, No!, 7/20/10

N__B said,

July 21, 2010 at 2:45

Although there were poems about sphincters tonight.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art round and variable in size, like the sun.

Sadly, No!, 7/20/10

 The Naked Liberal Fascist said,

July 22, 2010 at 3:51

You know, the GOP probably would piss away a House majority on endless witch-hunts, which I guess is preferable to them actually enacting their twisted agenda like they did once they no longer had The Clenis as a shiny object to distract them.

Sadly, No!, 7/21/10

oh no the thread is dangerously on-subject said,

July 23, 2010 at 0:57

This looks like a job for Foreskin Man.

Sadly, No!, 7/22/10

Pupienus Maximus said,

July 23, 2010 at 1:43

It’s all well and good to say Andrew Breitbart should have done more due diligence

I love how the word “more” just stands out there in this sentence fragment.

Charlie I mean Andy McCarthy is a lawyer, yes? The pedant in me delights in pointing out that “more due diligence” is oxymoronic. Due diligence is whatever diligence is due for the situation. One cannot do more due diligence. Fucking pinhead gasbag shitwad.

Sadly, No!, 7/22/10

Leeds man

Also, in general I think people should spend more time alone and quiet. 

This is why I love you, and think you are almost as sorry a bastard as I am. Oh dear, you caught me in that awkward drinking stage between maudlin and belligerent. Fuck you.

alicublog, 7/23/10

R. Porrofatto said,

July 24, 2010 at 21:24

what about “penis guilt”?

I’ll admit it, my penis has a lot to be sorry for. I’d let it speak for itself but it might tell you about that night in the Denny’s parking lot with Sister Mary Dymphna and the carny troupe. But take my word for it.

Sadly, No!, 7/24/10

Bitter Scribe said,

July 25, 2010 at 0:54

Obama was obviously clinically delusional to believe that a black man could be elected President. And the fact that he carried out his delusion makes him a clinical psychopath who is extremely dangerous. I believe that he should be impeached and imprisoned, and I should get an honorary Ph.D. for using the words “clinical” and “clinically” so well.

Sadly, No!, 7/24/10

July 25th, 2010 at 11:31 am

Davis X. Machina

For corpotations, the only legitimate role of the State is, and always has been, to provide a police escort for their getaway car.

Balloon Juice, 7/25/10

Angry Geometer said,

July 26, 2010 at 1:01

This movie gives me an idea: an action flick about two US presidents, one white and a total loose cannon, one black and kind of a square and only a few days away from retirement. The crazy white one gets them into some sort of a predicament. The predicament gets resolved. Then there is an Aerosmith song.

Sadly, No!, 7/25/10

robert green said,

July 26, 2010 at 5:44

i laughed so hard i shit someone else’s pants. hopefully hugh hewitt’s.

Sadly, No!, 7/26/10

Thanks as always to this week’s worthy contestants.

Comments Out of Context

Almost back on schedule with these. 

I don’t normally pimp my own comments, but the one included below was particularly well-received, and I think it holds up well.  So one of my own graces this week’s compendium:

EdnasEdibles 03:56 PM

Sometimes when I at at the bathroom at work I have an overwhelming desire to pick the stall next to the pooper and whisper “I know what you’re doing in there. You’re disgusting” and leave. I don’t know why I want to do this. I kind of think it would be funny in a messed up way. But there’s a part of me that realizes it could be the CEO so I don’t.

Jezebel, 7/15/10

 Jennifer said,

July 15, 2010 at 4:06 

Shorter Teabagger resolution on who the “real” racists are:

Whereas our butts hurt mightily because ni**ers are allowed to use the N word but we are not and,

Whereas yeah, verily, this load we carry around in our pants doth chap mightily and,

Whereas, we know you are but what are we?

Now therefore, be it be resolved that henceforth and further, every complaint which makes us whine like the little titty-babies we are shall be couched in florid, Founderesque-language to further underline our Doucheitude, in case we aren’t screaming it loud enough or Fox and Rush didn’t give it enough coverage.

Adopted unanimously each and every day we live and breathe, in whatever year of OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST WHO HATES THE LIBERALS it may be. So let it be written; so let it be done.

Sadly, No!, 7/14/10

 Willy said,

July 16, 2010 at 17:50

Renew America is a slot machine of stupidity that always pays out.

But the payout is in buckets of poo

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 Pupienus Maximus said,

July 16, 2010 at 18:40

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

Make wallets. Where do you think expandable luggage came from?

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 tsam said,

July 16, 2010 at 18:47

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

I thought he used them for crafts since macaroni is so overdone.

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

Whale Chowder said,

July 16, 2010 at 18:49

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

Where do you think fried “calamari” comes from?

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 Sirius Lunacy said,

July 16, 2010 at 20:15

Why did God want all of those foreskins and what did he do with them?

Leather coats for His pet rocks

Sadly, No!, 7/16/10

 Copeland Says:

July 17, 2010 at 10:27 am

They say torture just won’t wash out
With a press release or a primal shout.
Mr. Bybee regrets he’s unable to lunch today.

Of legal opinions he was proud.
By Torqemada he was never cowed;
But Mr. Bybee regrets he’s unable to lunch today.

The Poor Man Institute, 7/17/10

 tigris said,

July 19, 2010 at 3:35

They showed, on air, a fucking picture of a monkey with a pistol photoshopped in its hand, and told their god-damned viewers it was a fucking faked photo of a picture of a monkey with a pistol in its hand.
…
The point of telling their viewers that the image they were about to show was a faked photo was that (a) some of their viewers might actually think it was a photo of a Taliban killer monkey with a pistol, and (b) their viewers might not be able to visualize in their heads what a monkey with a gun might look like

All true, and you know, some of them probably STILL thought it was a real photo.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 El Cid said,

July 19, 2010 at 3:41

All true, and you know, some of them probably STILL thought it was a real photo.

They’d best be careful before showing images from “The Jetsons” lest their viewers start driving off bridges so that their cars can drive to work.

And I’m saying that only because innocent people might be below.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 Willy said,

July 19, 2010 at 4:04

Rings freak me out. Wear more than two and I won’t turn my back on you.

When I was a kid my dentist was the one portrayed by Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors. After each torture session he’d pull open a drawer to reveal a plastic foam block studded with toy rings. “Because you were so good, you may choose two,” Dr S would say, rubbing the bite mark on his thumb.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 El Cid said,

July 19, 2010 at 4:07

When monkeys with pistols are outlawed, only outlaw monkeys will have pistols.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 N__B said,

July 19, 2010 at 4:21

Calling in teh monkeys wiv the guns and shit

(a) Leave off the shit. That’s ammo for the monkeys.

(b) Unless they can dance in unison while singing “When You’re a Jet” they don’t scare me. Unless they’re armed with shit.

Sadly, No!, 7/18/10

 thingwarbler July 18th, 2010 at 3:34 pm

In response to DrDick @ 1

Eh, more like ignorance and tragedy had an incestuous quickie in the back seat of dyslexia’s Camaro, and Sarah is the unwanted and unloved result of their sweaty & sticky act of passion.

The fail is so strong in her, I really hope she gets the GOP nod to be Master of the Universe in 2012, if only for the entertainment value.

TBogg, 7/18/10

 EvilDrPuma July 18th, 2010 at 4:08 pm

“Shakespeare liked to coin new words too.”

Yeah, Sarah, but Shakespeare was good at it.

TBogg, 7/18/10

Whale Chowder said,

July 19, 2010 at 20:02

Glenn Beck says he might be going blind.

All the fapping to Sarah is catching up to him.

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

 Smut Clyde said,

July 19, 2010 at 21:42

Apparently, Bill Shakespeare made up new words cuz he didn’t know very many of them.
“Refudiate” being a portmanteau word, SP is evidently inspired by Lewis Carroll more than by Shakespeare.

Lust for a bald, black head
Worst Public Enemy album.

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

MInd-numbed lefty robot said,

July 19, 2010 at 21:57

But did they ever drive an explosive-laden school bus through a
wall of televisions?

We’ve been advised by our lawyers not to discuss this “myriad” (their words) of pending cases. But I don’t think that was us.

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

 Big Bad Bald Bastard said,

July 19, 2010 at 22:42

Breitbart makes up a new violin maker.

Shatavarius?

Sadly, No!, 7/19/10

As always, thanks to this week’s contestants.  Now, we have some lovely parting gifts for all of you…

Comments Out of Context

Again, several days late this week because Comcast is teh SUXXOR and I’ve not had internet access since Monday.  I had already begun researching non-DSL alternatives to cable access (because if there’s anyone I hate MORE than Comcast, it would have to be the local phone company – who, last time I checked, forced you to have landline phone service in order to get DSL – fat chance!) by the time the guy showed up today and fixed it.  How much do I hate Comcast?  So much that, after 11 days without cable TV way back in 2001, I dumped them and went with DirecTV.  I still have the satellite, because when I upgraded to high-speed internet 5 or 6 years ago, my loathing for Comcast TV “service” remained undiminished.  So now I’ve got both – cable for internet and satellite for TV, plus Vonage for the home phone line, which is less expensive for the package of channels I’ve got than it would be to hand the whole shebang over to Comcast.  Not to mention that if I handed it all over to Comcast, I would also have the joy of not being able to watch TV when my internet goes out.  When I switch the phone over to MagicJack it will become quite a bit less expensive than not only the Comcast bundle, but what I have now as well.  My issue with Comcast this time was the same as it was when I fired them back in 2001 – when you call up with a service issue, THEY LIE TO YOU.  Not just on the first call, but on the subsequent ones as well.  The bottom line is, Comcast really doesn’t give two shits whether the service you pay them to provide works or not.

Having said all of that, if anyone reading has any insight on what other options (besides cable or DSL) with similar speed might be on the horizon at similar cost, fill me in.  I tried doing a little research from the browser on my Blackberry while my cable was out, but have to admit I was entirely flummoxed by it all.  Fucking WiFi – how does it work?  I considered a mobile internet card – but if that’s as slow as the 3G service on the Blackberry, that’s not going to cut it. 

So for now, I remain captive to Comcast.  If anyone out there knows of a better solution – or a brighter new day that will allow me to cut the connection to ANY provider with a landline or cable – let me know.  I’d be happy to ditch the home phone if it would allow me to cut the cord with both the cable company AND the phone company – easy to do with an unlimited cell plan.  I’m a geek about a lot of things, but this stuff is not my forte.

That aside, here’s our latest comments out of context – some real doozies this week!

R. Porrofatto

I love the executive member packages. Who knew that wealthy people were suckers for the Franklin Mint. 
 
Some more titles for Citizen Producers to finance: 
 
A Kajillion Angry Men 
Saving Private Enterprise 
Ron & Nancy 
The African Heterosexual 
Citizen Gates 
Just a Few of the President’s Men 
Do the White Thing

alicublog, 7/7/10

 montag

My goodness, this is a rich vein, worth mining: 
 
An Exclusive Place in the Sun 
Miracle on Wall Street 
To Have and Have More 
Beautiful Winners 
What’s Eating Warren Buffett? 
Forrest Pump-and-Dump 
Good Dick Cheney 
From Here to Solvency 
Mr. Smith Lobbies Washington 
Five Easy Leases 
The Trial of Billy Clinton 
For Whom the Opening Bell Tolls 
The Bondholder Redemption 
… And Justice for Some

alicublog, 7/7/10

 whetstone

They promise films without… “greedy businessmen” 
 
I’m rooting for It’s A Productive Life, which finally gives maligned Mr. Potter his due; he was just trying to stop all that shit that went down with Fannie Mae.

alicublog, 7/7/10

 Rusty Shackleford said,

July 8, 2010 at 16:00

Thus, not only is it legal for gay people to get married in California, but while the state won’t call their unions marriage, it still confers a great number of benefits on the partners.

Likewise, while a convicted felon may not possess a firearm, he may obtain a great number of the benefits of one by pointing his finger at people and shouting “bang, bang.”

Sadly, No!, 7/8/10

Substance McGravitas said,

July 10, 2010 at 0:08

If the Earth Stood Still

Also if my ass shot radioactive fire I would rob Fort Knox and make everybody walk on their hands.

Sadly, No!, 7/9/10

 KWillow said,

July 10, 2010 at 21:21

I bet Obama has a whole stable of killer monkeys, ready and eager to fly into the Senate and rip toupees off Senator’s heads and … no, I suppose he doesnt’. Damm.

I wish I had a flying killer monkey.

Sadly, No!, 7/10/10

Some guy said,

July 11, 2010 at 2:41

[On Morocco’s contribution to the Iraq War]
George W. Bush: Then of course there was Morocco, who pledged to send 2,000 monkeys to detonate land mines and perform at children’s parties. Then there seemed to be some question as to whether or not Morocco had the monkeys, and I said, “Regardless of whether they have them or not, that sounds cool as shit and I want that.” A special unit of 2,000 trained monkeys that we can send anywhere in the world to fight evil and make children laugh? Duh! Despite vigorous protests from my Cabinet, I put into motion Operation Primate Speargun. For one year, a special unit of 2,000 wild monkeys trained side by side with the 82nd Airborne down at Fort Bragg in total secrecy. In order to ensure a maximum covert operation, most of the training was done at night. I was heavily invested in the unit, so I’d often fly down to participate in field exercises, and one of the things I noticed during the exercises was that many of the monkeys would simply run off into the woods, randomly shooting their spearguns at each other or inanimate objects. So I asked my field commanders, I said, “How often had this been happening?” And they said that this type of thing had happened every single time. So then I asked a tough question, “Why do you think it’s happening?” The Major said that his guess was because they were wild monkeys, and that they as soldiers didn’t have the proper training to work with them. So I looked at ‘em right in the eye, and I said, “But we’re gonna get there, right?” He said, “I doubt it, Sir.” I said, “Well, hold on, let me ask you this. Are they at least entertaining the children?” He said he’d have no idea of knowing, but that his guess would be no, considering it was a top secret operation and no one knew the monkeys were there, especially the children. At the end of exercises, all but forty monkeys had run off into the North Carolina woods. Speargun attacks along the I-95 corridor have increased 1,000 percent in that time. So let me just tell you this: if you’re planning a car trip down to Disney World, don’t stop at the rest stops, okay? ‘Cause there’s a 50-50 chance a malnourished monkey is gonna pop up out of a toilet, shoot you in the face with a speargun.”

Sadly, No!, 7/10/10

 noen said,

July 12, 2010 at 0:11

“liberal boys don’t know how to please women like conservatives do.”

Yeah but liberal boys don’t generally have to shave their backs either. Well, I don’t know, I guess it gives you something to hang onto I suppose or… muffle the screams. So there’s that.

Sadly, No!, 7/11/10

 Hunger Tallest Palin

Why don’t minorities appreciate how hard conservatives are working for them? 
 
The beatings will continue until morale improves.

alicublog, 7/11/10

A job well done by one and all.  Thanks as always to this week’s Bringers of the Lulz.