In Which I Discover Another Very Weird Corner of the Internets…

Back after a long hiatus in which I have been a) attempting to write a novel and b) generally pissing away my life…and what, you ask, brings me back?

Grossness, in a word. Don’t ask me how I found out about this or, ok, ask me how I found it, but don’t ask why I know more about it than I would with just a cursory glance.

I’ve long been fascinated with the very strange communities you find in out-of-the-way corners of the web – the Furries, for example.  About a month ago, I discovered a new one, when the YouTube threw up (literally) a link to the following, extremely gross video:

If you don’t want to watch it, believe me, I’ll understand.  Me, I couldn’t help myself. And then I found there are literally THOUSANDS of videos like this on YouTube.

So I watched some more of them. There are several things I found just absolutely fascinating about these: first, someone decided to take video and put it up on YouTube. But even more interesting is the fact that in most of them (that I’ve seen, anyway), there’s a big crowd of onlookers when the home surgery takes place.  Participants regularly make comments like “this is the best day of my life!” as they push and prod on their friends and loved ones to remove the pestilence from their bodies.  In the video above, there’s a group of KIDS watching all the fun and providing commentary from the peanut gallery.  It’s like these folks are calling up their friends and neighbors to come over and watch them cut open Bob’s cyst.  In some of them, the amateur doctors reference other “famous” YouTube cyst removal videos, referring to “Marco” (the patient in the video above) or with jokes about “make a bigger hole” referring to an unfortunate named Lou, who throughout his surgery exhorts his wife to, you guessed it, “make a bigger hole” so she can “clean out ALL that crap.”

Then there are the comments.  We all know that YouTube comments represent the worst the web has to offer…except, surprisingly, in the case of these home surgery videos.  Comments for these are usually hysterical.  Two that show up on a lot of the videos are “I came” and “how did I end up here?” and “I wish I was the one doing the squeezing.”  Even funnier are the ones where the commenters are upset by poor video quality, or a video not matching or living up to the promise of its title.  Imprecations about the hygiene and skills of the amateur doctors abound.  Marco came in for quite a bit of abuse for being a “nasty redneck” and a lot of folks wanted to kill Lou for his repeated admonishment to “make a bigger hole.”

And it’s not just amateurs getting in on the act: there’s an Indian doctor, Yadav Vikram, who has apparently become somewhat of a celebrity in this very strange subculture.  Viky does a lot of blackhead squeezing accompanied by commentary like “and now you can see like little worms coming out of the pores” (imagine in Indian-accented English for full effect).  Other videos were taken by friends or family members in a clinic or hospital, as real doctors do the honors.  In most of the ones I’ve seen, the intention to “put it up on YouTube” is openly expressed by either the practitioner or one of the onlookers, and they’ll often reference having already watched a lot of the videos already posted.

I started wondering, WTF?  Am I the only one who hasn’t been watching these things already?  And then came the crushing shame and embarrassment of admitting that yes, I am one of the sick fucks who are watching these things NOW.

Some of these things, I shit you not, feature a 70’s porno soundtrack.

Let that sink in for a moment.

…

So why write about it?  For a start, to expose my shame.  Shame’s one thing; hidden shame is a much worse one.  In my defense, watching these things is far from the worst or sickest thing I could have done, though granted I’m not setting the bar real high.

Why did I watch any of these in the first place?  First there’s the freakshow aspect.  You can see how Marco sucked me in to begin with – just the still frame for the video shows a man with a TIT on his BACK.  I’m powerless to resist something like that, which is why I watched – and made it all the way through – the TV presentation of The Man with the 132-lb Scrotum.  How are you NOT going to check into that?  And then, I have to admit that there’s something I find oddly satisfying about seeing a big ugly excrescence meet its end and purging a body of an imperfection – though it makes me feel a little dirty to admit it.

I’m certainly not recommending you watch any of these videos, even (or perhaps especially) the one posted above – but you might enjoy clicking through them to the comments.

Who knew that zit, cyst, and boil-popping enthusiasts were the funniest and most literate YouTube commenters?

Celebrating April Fool’s, One Day Early

When I posted about the Google doodle controversy yesterday, I missed what was the funniest point:  the rightwingtards were all up in arms in part because many of them thought the doodle was in honor of Hugo Chavez, not Cesar Chavez.  Oh well, what’s the difference?  They’re both brown.  And so Republican Latino outreach continues apace.

I got to wondering though, what with the portability of Easter, has it ever fallen on April 1?  What if the original Easter was just an April Fool’s joke?  If the post from yesterday doesn’t send me to hell, surely this latest musing will.

In the spirit of the day, I offer you this, which has been hanging around in My Pictures for quite some time now:

Happy April Fool’s Day!

The Asteroid Can’t Come Soon Enough

New TV series, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo,  premieres on TLC (The “Learning” Channel) this week:

One wonders what we’re supposed to be “learning” from this “learning channel” – or as George W. Bush once said, “Is our children learning?”  If they’re watching TLC, apparently they’re learning about rednecks.  Other current offerings on the channel include “I’m Pregnant at the Same Time as My Teen,” and “American Gypsies.”  Not too long ago, TLC was the midgets and fat people channel, now they’re going full-on white trash.  About the only good thing I can find to say about this is:  thank god these people aren’t from Arkansas; the Duggars (another TLC “learning” opportunity) are enough of an embarrassment for one state.  Sad to say, Beth and Lyta, but these fine specimens are your own – they hail from the great state of Georgia.

Don’t you love how the clip says, “you’ve met Honey Boo-Boo; now meet her family!”  Really?  Do we HAVE to?  I think I could have lived out the rest of my days without seeing a bunch of derping rednecks playing with their belly fat for the cameras.

Another thing from the video clip above that is amusing, in a sick sort of way, is the argument they have about whether or not they’re rednecks.  One of the girls claims they’re not because “we have our TEEF don’t we” (protip:  if you call them TEEF, you might be a redneck), but as you can see in the photo below, no, they not only don’t have all their TEEF, they don’t have all their TEETH, either.  Check out dad “Sugar Bear” in the lower right corner – he seems to be missing a few in the front:

From the blessedly limited amount of “research” I’ve done on the topic, apparently “Sugar Bear” is a chalk miner.  I did not know such a profession existed, though I suppose it’s an appropriately Dickensian occupation for the husband of a 400 pound “Coupon Queen” who enters her child into beauty pageants and dopes her up with a mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull to give her an energy boost before she goes on stage.

Seriously folks, it’s all over but the crying.  America had a good run and we should just content ourselves with having made it through almost 250 years before the whole thing fell apart.

Angelina’s Wide Stance

Prediction: Someone, somewhere, will show up at a Halloween party this October with a mannequin leg sticking out of a long dress

The intertubes have been all abuzz about the weird pose affected by Ms. Jolie, not only on the red carpet, but also on stage, during Sunday’s Oscars.  Several theories have been advanced to try to explain it, but I think I have figured it out: 

 

Yeast infection. 

 

Oh yes, I said it. 

 

If the vadge was in need of a good airing-out, perhaps Ms. Jolie should have called upon our friend, Hello Kitty, for assistance.  A wind has got to be more effective than the mere breeze that can be achieved with that pose:

Don't even ask

Someone Alert The Ole Perfesser

If we can get an advance copy of this into Glenn Reynolds’ hands, he may just put it on an endless loop and NEVER BLOG AGAIN:

Actually, this is a documentary short about a guy who’s making a stop-action robot porno.  The full-length feature film won’t be available for some years to come, if ever.  But as one reviewer noted, “A robot horse getting buttf*cked?  That’s relevant to ALL MY INTERESTS!” 

There’s plenty of teh funneh in just the little clip above, too – particularly when he pauses for a moment after picking up one of his creations, then just bluntly states its purpose.

Have Yourself A Scatalogical Christmas

When Beth posted the gif of the Christmas decoration of the guy whipping another guy, I was worried that nothing could top that for holiday tastelessness.

I needn’t have worried. 

Remember last year, when I posted this video:

…and then rhetorically asked, “what’s next, the “Shit on Santa” toilet liner?”

I shouldn’t have tempted fate.  Behold, Scat Santa:

Even worse than shitting on Santa….

 I’m not going to comment further on this, because I don’t want to make things even worse.  Ok, yes I am.  One wonders if this appears in the home of someone who once threatened Santa with “I’m going to rip off your head and shit down your neck!” after receiving an unwanted gift.

Bad Holiday Decorations, UK Edition

Here we see a “celebunativity” from Madame Tussauds, circa 2004.  Hey, sometimes you gotta go with the classics:

No description will suffice

Those are “wise men” George W. Bush, Tony Blair, and Prince Philip.  The Virgin Mary?  Posh Spice, with Beckham as the cuckholded husband.  Samuel L. Jackson is on hand to shepherd the Baby J through the shadow of the Valley of Death, along with fellow shepherds Graham Norton and Hugh Grant.  Australian pop star Kylie Minogue appears in the role of the angel.

 

To be fair, Madame T’s didn’t think this up on their own – the British public voted on who to include in the scene, in which roles.  Proving that dry, acerbic British wit is alive and well.

 

What is *wrong with you people out there?

This week’s search terms include…

monkey throwing poop

shadoobee poop

not furry sick bastard

choad

nice pennis

(several other porn search terms, both with and without clothes, often involving toes, that are too vulgar to repeat even on  this site)

(except for this one. I have to repeat this one) bill maher huge penis

rick perry looks like a used car salesman

thomas kinkade not worth it

… and my personal favorite … bacteria bridge club.

Strange Portents and Toe Sucking

I don’t know why, but toe-sucking has touched my life peripherally in a 20-year cycle, starting when I was around 10.

Beth will remember the first incidence.  At the time, the whole idea of “toe sucking” had never even occured to me; I was introduced to the concept by my sister, who is 4 years younger than we are.  Here’s what happened:  one night, back in the days when we still lived across the street from one another, Beth was spending the night at my house.  We were in bed, and my mom was in the bathroom doing her nightly ablutions, while my sister, who was notorious for refusing to go to bed at a reasonable hour, was hectoring her from her room.  It went something like this:  “Momma….momma…momma…momma…”  “Kate, go to sleep!”  “Momma…momma…momma…momma…” (sounds of teeth brushing) “momma…momma…momma…momma…momma…….YOU SUCK!!!!” (sounds of bare feet slapping wood floors as mom strode quickly from bathroom to Kate’s room…sounds of hand slapping flesh…shrieking…) “YOU SUCK YOUR TOES!!!  I MEANT YOU SUCK YOUR TOES!!!”  (sounds of me & Beth trying to control laughter so it won’t be heard).

Anyway, that was my introduction to the whole concept of “toe-sucking.”  It wasn’t until some 15 or 20 years later that I learned that it could also be a sexual fetish, and again, I didn’t ask to know this; it was foist upon me.  By this time, I was living in Little Rock and the town was abuzz with tales of the Conway Toe-Sucker, an unfortunate young man with an uncontrollable passion for feet.  He struck at Baptist Hospital at the time a friend of mine was in for surgery; she and her roommate almost burst their stitches laughing at their jokes about how he was going to jump out and get them while they did their doctor-ordered hallway walks.  Some months later, I met the actual Baptist Hospital toe-suck victim quite by accident, when she joined a group of my friends for dinner at a restaurant.  By this time, the Toe Sucker had been convicted and this woman had testified at his trial.

I, of course, was full of questions.  I asked her how it had come about that this guy was actually able to, you know, get her toes in his mouth.  At this, her husband said in a shocked tone, “he had your TOES in his MOUTH?” in the same tone of voice you expect to hear someone say “you SLEPT with him?”  Meanwhile, I’m thinking, dude, you’re MARRIED to her, shouldn’t you KNOW about this already? 

Anyway, she said that what had happened was that she was in her office when a nice-looking guy had come in and started talking to her; he sat down and then started complimenting her shoes, saying that he used to be a shoe salesman (this was in Al Bundy’s heyday, so…I’m not sure why she didn’t find this ridiculous), and asking if he could take a closer look at them.  He put one of her feet in his lap, took off the shoe and…started sucking her toes.  When she reacted with alarm, he jumped up and ran out of the office.

After hearing her story, I said, “ok, I understand that it’s kind of icky to have some stranger’s mouth on your foot but…that seems relatively harmless, so why the deal with the trial and sentencing?”  She said that he had approached a woman at the Little Rock airport and told her he wanted to cut her feet off and take them home with him.  So the court thing had, it turned out, been completely necessary.  She went on then about how she just couldn’t understand why this guy was doing this; she said he was good-looking and had a beautiful wife and a couple of kids so it just didn’t make sense that he was running around trying to suck all these women’s toes.  I waited a beat, then said, “maybe he just needed to get some STRANGE TOE.”  Which, of course, brought down the table.

A couple of years later, I learned that another friend of a friend had been approached by the Toe Sucker; in this case, he struck when she was at a convenience store getting back into her car.  He came up and started complimenting her shoes and was crouched by the side of her open car door as she was sitting in the car, and had just gotten around to fondling her feet when she said, “what in the hell are you doing?”  This scared him off.  Valerie had a much better sense of humor about the whole thing; according to her, it was her own fault for “enticing” him, since as she noted she was wearing open-toed shoes and had just polished her toenails.

That was the last I ever heard of the Toe Sucker until…today.  The story has even made the Reuters network – I cannot tell you how PROUD I am, once again, to live here.  This is almost as good as the time the WWF announced they would not return to Little Rock because of the fans’ lack of manners and respect.  HOW REDNECK does your town have to be for the WWF to refuse to come there?  Anyway, I’m pretty sure the current toe-sucking suspect has to be the same guy because…what are the odds?

The other reason I love all things Conway Toe-Sucker related is that it always reminds me of the Baltimore Foot-Stomper from Polyester:

Truth is indeed sometimes stranger than fiction.

Words Cannot Capture The Awesome WIN Of This

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